Gotta go celebrate the world's best card game first.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Of mice and termites
So yesterday I woke up after having a rather odd dream. Involved my dad asking very loudly for mustard or something. Maybe it was horse radish.
Whatever.
The important bits of yesterday happened after I woke up.
So yeah, after weird dream from my few hours of sleep, I got around to calling my therapist and scheduling an appointment for Sunday. I told him I needed to talk to him about things that happened before my mental breakdown. My current working theory is that my insanity sprouted from some trauma in my past. I'll get to that if my theory proves fruitful.
Anyway, today was pretty boring. I was home alone for a while, heard some strange noises, but nothing too out of the ordinary. Yeah my paranoia might have gotten the best of me and I looked around the house a couple times with a knife on hand. So what? That's normal when you hear shit shift in another room. How was I supposed to know my dogs had just knocked over a stack of books?
The only really eventful thing that happened today was what down at church. I play for my church's band and thursdays are our meet ups for practice and whatnot. My dad and I arrived an hour early like we normally do and while he did some stuff to get the sound system running for practice, I went out into the woods. Yes, the woods that I went into and met that guy in the lawn chair. The place I cluster f-bombed a Revenant. I don't know why I went back, guess I was just bored and I didn't really believe my own memories about what went down there.
So as I made it to the ridge upon which the meeting supposedly happened, I felt the urge to stay away from that place. I guess I didn't want to find out what would happen to me/what I would do should I see that lawn chair again, or any signs that my insanity may have been founded in something more concrete.
Instead, I turned away from the ridge and walked to a tunnel that runs beneath a road. The road barely gets used, and the tunnel itself is tough to get to, being surrounded by tall grass, weeds, and murky water. I stood at the edge of the tall grass and looked into the tunnel, wondering if I should try getting closer.
That's when I heard the cracking of wood behind me. I spun around, now thoroughly convinced something was coming to get me. It turned out to be a sound of more mundane origins than the eldritch explanation I was anticipating. A huge branch fell just feet away from me, sending a few bugs into the air. After I calmed down, I could see that termites were the cause, the little things swarming over the broken limb.
Come to think of it, I saw a lot of wood out there ravaged by termites. Like... a lot. Just piles and piles, everywhere. It seemed like the termites had cleared out a lot of the trees that used to be there, which is an amazing feat really. But kinda unnerving that there are that many termites out there. Makes my skin crawl.
SPEAKING OF SKIN CRAWLING.
So I went back into the church and into the sanctuary to get set up and calm down from almost being crushed by a branch. As I entered, I heard clicking above my head.I looked for the source, without luck. And then I just listened for a minute. There was constant clicking, a few scratches here and there, all seemingly coming from the ventilation system. It was then I realized what was going on.
Rats.
There had to have been an entire family of the vermin up there. I told my dad and we shuddered about it together. I got my mind off it by playing some drums. Can't hear the little fuckers over the sound of crashes and toms.
Anyway, that's pretty much it.
In summary: Got paranoid and almost crushed. Then I heard rats.
Interesting day, wasn't it?
-Matthew
(PS I might not post for the next few days. Gonna hang with a friend tomorrow, hang with another on saturday, and then I have church and my appointment on Sunday. If I do post, it will be around this time again. But don't expect it, all you non-existent readers.)
Whatever.
The important bits of yesterday happened after I woke up.
So yeah, after weird dream from my few hours of sleep, I got around to calling my therapist and scheduling an appointment for Sunday. I told him I needed to talk to him about things that happened before my mental breakdown. My current working theory is that my insanity sprouted from some trauma in my past. I'll get to that if my theory proves fruitful.
Anyway, today was pretty boring. I was home alone for a while, heard some strange noises, but nothing too out of the ordinary. Yeah my paranoia might have gotten the best of me and I looked around the house a couple times with a knife on hand. So what? That's normal when you hear shit shift in another room. How was I supposed to know my dogs had just knocked over a stack of books?
The only really eventful thing that happened today was what down at church. I play for my church's band and thursdays are our meet ups for practice and whatnot. My dad and I arrived an hour early like we normally do and while he did some stuff to get the sound system running for practice, I went out into the woods. Yes, the woods that I went into and met that guy in the lawn chair. The place I cluster f-bombed a Revenant. I don't know why I went back, guess I was just bored and I didn't really believe my own memories about what went down there.
So as I made it to the ridge upon which the meeting supposedly happened, I felt the urge to stay away from that place. I guess I didn't want to find out what would happen to me/what I would do should I see that lawn chair again, or any signs that my insanity may have been founded in something more concrete.
Instead, I turned away from the ridge and walked to a tunnel that runs beneath a road. The road barely gets used, and the tunnel itself is tough to get to, being surrounded by tall grass, weeds, and murky water. I stood at the edge of the tall grass and looked into the tunnel, wondering if I should try getting closer.
That's when I heard the cracking of wood behind me. I spun around, now thoroughly convinced something was coming to get me. It turned out to be a sound of more mundane origins than the eldritch explanation I was anticipating. A huge branch fell just feet away from me, sending a few bugs into the air. After I calmed down, I could see that termites were the cause, the little things swarming over the broken limb.
Come to think of it, I saw a lot of wood out there ravaged by termites. Like... a lot. Just piles and piles, everywhere. It seemed like the termites had cleared out a lot of the trees that used to be there, which is an amazing feat really. But kinda unnerving that there are that many termites out there. Makes my skin crawl.
SPEAKING OF SKIN CRAWLING.
So I went back into the church and into the sanctuary to get set up and calm down from almost being crushed by a branch. As I entered, I heard clicking above my head.I looked for the source, without luck. And then I just listened for a minute. There was constant clicking, a few scratches here and there, all seemingly coming from the ventilation system. It was then I realized what was going on.
Rats.
There had to have been an entire family of the vermin up there. I told my dad and we shuddered about it together. I got my mind off it by playing some drums. Can't hear the little fuckers over the sound of crashes and toms.
Anyway, that's pretty much it.
In summary: Got paranoid and almost crushed. Then I heard rats.
Interesting day, wasn't it?
-Matthew
(PS I might not post for the next few days. Gonna hang with a friend tomorrow, hang with another on saturday, and then I have church and my appointment on Sunday. If I do post, it will be around this time again. But don't expect it, all you non-existent readers.)
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Feeling like shit
Is it a good thing or a bad thing when you suddenly want to hurl your guts out after looking at a picture someone snapped of Slenderfuck?
On the one hand, it means you are having a perfectly reasonable reaction to seeing something that just shouldn't exist. On the other hand, you're looking at something that shouldn't exist, and it's doing bad things to your body.
I'm feeling lightheaded, like I usually do after I lose any amount of blood (or when I think about blood for a little bit too long and a little bit too much detail.) Trying to shake the feeling off, but that picture stirred up some nasty shit that I have been trying my damndest to surpress.
I don't recommend clicking this link to view the picture, but if you have greater constitution than me, maybe you can handle it:
http://eccentricallybored.blogspot.com/2011/03/woke-up-in-middle-of-night.html
Anyway, on that note, I want to say I am trying to catch up on what has been going on and... well...
Fucking hell guys.
How many of us died while I lived my relatively peaceful happy life?
I don't even want to count. I don't think I could handle it. I'm not doing myself any favors looking over half the stuff going on. I might need to go visit my therapist again...
I just wish there was something I could do... Could've done.
I wish I didn't abandon you guys.
I wish I could've stuck around and lend a hand or offer advice.
I wish I had tried harder to make certain things work, like NAPPA and my general relationships with you people.
We all know I was pretty disagreeable at best, what with my anger issues and generally bleak outlook on our plight. But fucking hell, I would undo every moment of peace I've had since my leave for the chance to have helped you all.
I would have traded my life for all of yours.
Guess I'm the Simon of this island of castaways.
Anyway, I'm going to go sleep now. Hopefully I'll be able to.
Will be looking into various things soon.
I'll keep whoever is out there updated on my stuff.
-Matthew
------------------------------------------
So yeah, I can't sleep at all. Tried doing this trick where I read a pretty 'meh' tier book until it bores me to sleep, but it didn't work. When I put it down, I couldn't bring myself to turn off the lights. I just came back and kept reading that blog from earlier.
Shame that the guy got Proxy'd. I haven't finished reading his stuff, but its... morbidly interesting watchin the transformation, as well as the goings ons of what proxies actually do.
And this brings me to the part of "Will be looking into various things soon."
The various things I mention are these other... entities.
Other eldritch horrors, like Slenderman, but with different rules.
I honestly don't know what to think of it.
I mean, I barely can cope with the fact that Slenderman might be real. (therapy did a doozy for me in terms of my perception of tall dark and malicious. I don't want to discount anyone's experience, but my own says that there is a distinct possibility that I was only hallucinating things to do with it.)
Now I have to worry about a veritable PANTHEON of these fucks?
I don't know... I mean, if they're real, well we're kinda fucked, right? If they aren't and I'm just getting worked up over nothing, at the obvious risk of relapsing into that mental state, then huzzah! But I'm still struggling with figuring out what I can believe or not.
I want to be able to ignore all of this, just look at it from the standpoint of "oh look at this creepypasta. let's read it then move on, maybe have a spot of tea, pip pip cheerio", but I can't. I know it wasn't real, but my hallucinations... they felt real.
...
It only now occurs to me to ask what the hell made me start hallucinating in the first place. What drove me mad?
...I'm going to make an appointment with my therapist asap.
On the one hand, it means you are having a perfectly reasonable reaction to seeing something that just shouldn't exist. On the other hand, you're looking at something that shouldn't exist, and it's doing bad things to your body.
I'm feeling lightheaded, like I usually do after I lose any amount of blood (or when I think about blood for a little bit too long and a little bit too much detail.) Trying to shake the feeling off, but that picture stirred up some nasty shit that I have been trying my damndest to surpress.
I don't recommend clicking this link to view the picture, but if you have greater constitution than me, maybe you can handle it:
http://eccentricallybored.blogspot.com/2011/03/woke-up-in-middle-of-night.html
Anyway, on that note, I want to say I am trying to catch up on what has been going on and... well...
Fucking hell guys.
How many of us died while I lived my relatively peaceful happy life?
I don't even want to count. I don't think I could handle it. I'm not doing myself any favors looking over half the stuff going on. I might need to go visit my therapist again...
I just wish there was something I could do... Could've done.
I wish I didn't abandon you guys.
I wish I could've stuck around and lend a hand or offer advice.
I wish I had tried harder to make certain things work, like NAPPA and my general relationships with you people.
We all know I was pretty disagreeable at best, what with my anger issues and generally bleak outlook on our plight. But fucking hell, I would undo every moment of peace I've had since my leave for the chance to have helped you all.
I would have traded my life for all of yours.
Guess I'm the Simon of this island of castaways.
Anyway, I'm going to go sleep now. Hopefully I'll be able to.
Will be looking into various things soon.
I'll keep whoever is out there updated on my stuff.
-Matthew
------------------------------------------
So yeah, I can't sleep at all. Tried doing this trick where I read a pretty 'meh' tier book until it bores me to sleep, but it didn't work. When I put it down, I couldn't bring myself to turn off the lights. I just came back and kept reading that blog from earlier.
Shame that the guy got Proxy'd. I haven't finished reading his stuff, but its... morbidly interesting watchin the transformation, as well as the goings ons of what proxies actually do.
And this brings me to the part of "Will be looking into various things soon."
The various things I mention are these other... entities.
Other eldritch horrors, like Slenderman, but with different rules.
I honestly don't know what to think of it.
I mean, I barely can cope with the fact that Slenderman might be real. (therapy did a doozy for me in terms of my perception of tall dark and malicious. I don't want to discount anyone's experience, but my own says that there is a distinct possibility that I was only hallucinating things to do with it.)
Now I have to worry about a veritable PANTHEON of these fucks?
I don't know... I mean, if they're real, well we're kinda fucked, right? If they aren't and I'm just getting worked up over nothing, at the obvious risk of relapsing into that mental state, then huzzah! But I'm still struggling with figuring out what I can believe or not.
I want to be able to ignore all of this, just look at it from the standpoint of "oh look at this creepypasta. let's read it then move on, maybe have a spot of tea, pip pip cheerio", but I can't. I know it wasn't real, but my hallucinations... they felt real.
...
It only now occurs to me to ask what the hell made me start hallucinating in the first place. What drove me mad?
...I'm going to make an appointment with my therapist asap.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Guess who's decided that it was time to look back into the maw of Hell?
That's right, your one and only No One Of Consequence.
NOOC's back, bitches.
Course, I have elected to go with the name I use for everything else, Kfrunt Rfrunt.
Now, what would this rage filled guy who left the world of darkness and tentacles behind be doing back all of the sudden?
To put it simply: no fucking clue.
To put it not so simply: I've been just a little bit more paranoid lately, due to a rather... odd sequence of events.
Ten days ago, I was waiting for my parents to pick me up from work. It had been a long day filled with numerous problems caused by various people (both customers and a few co-workers) and I was on edge because of it. Neither of my parents responded to my texts so they were late in coming to get me. It was around 10 PM when I suddenly started thinking about this blog again. I don't know why I did it, but I did. I thought about what had gone on here, my... issues that I had to work out with a few visits to a therapist, and the fact that I could've sworn I saw someone next to the tree about 40 yards in front of me. I told myself it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but I was still shaken a little. I started remembering things that had gone down before and what life was like while I pretty much lived on this blog. Around 10:15 my mom shows up and takes me home. I stay up for a few more hours and go to bed round 2ish. I can't sleep because now my head is filled with thoughts of 'ohgod its back' and all that other shit. I managed to discount those long enough to get to sleep though, but it took a couple hours.
I woke up the next day and checked my email to find a message from a guy named 'apocriptein'. He sent me and fuck ton of others a link to his youtube channel which I could instantly recognize as Slenderfuck oriented channel. I promptly told him to leave me the fuck alone, and he has so far.
Still the combination of the two events left me in a heightened state of awareness. I am now listening harder, looking around more thoroughly, and generally... being paranoid. Yeah, I know it's stupid to do regress, and I've been doing a bang up job telling myself it's just in my head, but... I mean it's hard to shake off the feeling of correlation between these two things. I usually don't sleep well, but now I sit in bed, staring into the darkness, wondering if I'm looking at the bookshelf or the silhouette of a tall man.
I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I don't want to regress into my insanity, making my life a living hell, and potentially fucking up my future.
...I don't want to be back here, but I am...
This brings me back to the original question.
Why am I back?
And again, I don't know.
Maybe I'll be able to handle this paranoia thing better if I just type it out for the world to see.
Maybe I'll get a better look into how my mind is thinking about things, and be better equipped to reveal the lies my mind is making.
Maybe I'm just going back into my old ways, regardless, and I'm destined to start walking out in forests, hallucinating and hunting down the boogieman.
Maybe... maybe its real this time.
I don't know.
And I'm not sure if I want to find out.
For better or for worse, I'm back.
Brace yourself for rage, paranoia, and a lot of second guessing myself.
It's gonna be a blast.
-Matthew
(no more titles, I think. I kinda used the crap outta that gimmick back in the 'glory days')
NOOC's back, bitches.
Course, I have elected to go with the name I use for everything else, Kfrunt Rfrunt.
Now, what would this rage filled guy who left the world of darkness and tentacles behind be doing back all of the sudden?
To put it simply: no fucking clue.
To put it not so simply: I've been just a little bit more paranoid lately, due to a rather... odd sequence of events.
Ten days ago, I was waiting for my parents to pick me up from work. It had been a long day filled with numerous problems caused by various people (both customers and a few co-workers) and I was on edge because of it. Neither of my parents responded to my texts so they were late in coming to get me. It was around 10 PM when I suddenly started thinking about this blog again. I don't know why I did it, but I did. I thought about what had gone on here, my... issues that I had to work out with a few visits to a therapist, and the fact that I could've sworn I saw someone next to the tree about 40 yards in front of me. I told myself it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but I was still shaken a little. I started remembering things that had gone down before and what life was like while I pretty much lived on this blog. Around 10:15 my mom shows up and takes me home. I stay up for a few more hours and go to bed round 2ish. I can't sleep because now my head is filled with thoughts of 'ohgod its back' and all that other shit. I managed to discount those long enough to get to sleep though, but it took a couple hours.
I woke up the next day and checked my email to find a message from a guy named 'apocriptein'. He sent me and fuck ton of others a link to his youtube channel which I could instantly recognize as Slenderfuck oriented channel. I promptly told him to leave me the fuck alone, and he has so far.
Still the combination of the two events left me in a heightened state of awareness. I am now listening harder, looking around more thoroughly, and generally... being paranoid. Yeah, I know it's stupid to do regress, and I've been doing a bang up job telling myself it's just in my head, but... I mean it's hard to shake off the feeling of correlation between these two things. I usually don't sleep well, but now I sit in bed, staring into the darkness, wondering if I'm looking at the bookshelf or the silhouette of a tall man.
I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I don't want to regress into my insanity, making my life a living hell, and potentially fucking up my future.
...I don't want to be back here, but I am...
This brings me back to the original question.
Why am I back?
And again, I don't know.
Maybe I'll be able to handle this paranoia thing better if I just type it out for the world to see.
Maybe I'll get a better look into how my mind is thinking about things, and be better equipped to reveal the lies my mind is making.
Maybe I'm just going back into my old ways, regardless, and I'm destined to start walking out in forests, hallucinating and hunting down the boogieman.
Maybe... maybe its real this time.
I don't know.
And I'm not sure if I want to find out.
For better or for worse, I'm back.
Brace yourself for rage, paranoia, and a lot of second guessing myself.
It's gonna be a blast.
-Matthew
(no more titles, I think. I kinda used the crap outta that gimmick back in the 'glory days')
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