I'm fucking done

It's been a while since I've done anything here, but I really couldn't care less.

I'm just drained from a lot of the bullshit I put up with from some people. I pretty much surrounded myself with people prone to causing drama. Dealing with their wining/ignorance/bullshit on a nigh constant basis is exhausting to such a degree that I just don't care anymore.

Yes, congratulations, you have issues. So does everyone else, now get over it, fucker.

I guess I should update you assholes who don't even fucking exist with something.

Well, we've given up on the therapy front because it probably won't help anymore, and with what happened last time, I don't want to risk it.

No clue where Traner came from still. Honestly, I don't care either. Guy probably got his jollies from fucking with the minds of troubled people like me. How the hell he got an office or a secretary or all that other shit is beyond me, but you gotta have a hobby right?

But yeah. I just simply do not give two fucking shits about anything at the moment. Hell, I barely even want to use proper grammar, but I at LEAST still have standards.

It would be kinda awesome to actually go back to the shitty way things were right now. At least then I was alone and didn't have to deal with other people. I was a psycho with a penchant for rage, but goddamn was it simple. Base emotions are much more manageable than the complex shit I force myself to wade through day in day out.

Fuck, I don't even know why I bothered writing this. Seriously, no one's gonna read it, and even if they did, they wouldn't care.

So yeah, fuck this.

Signs of normality/Take that Core Solstice

First and foremost, things have calmed down quite a bit. After freaking out over Traner not being real, I worked up the courage to talk to my parents about it and they relayed that they didn't know where they had heard about him. It wasn't comforting to know that no one seems to know where this guy came from, but it's good to be mostly sure that my parents aren't plotting against me in some way. Needless to say, I'm not going back there, and we'll be looking for a new therapist soon.

Next, while some drama among my friends has cropped up, I have been living a pretty easy life. I'm feeling a hell of a lot better: less paranoia, less second guessing, less tensing up at the slightest noise in the dark. Yeah there's some stress, but at least it's coming from the aforementioned drama and not insanity. I guess this means I'm taking the fast track to normalville now. Gotta say, it's the most comforting thing that has happened to me in a long fucking time. Sure I'm kinda swimming in confusion, stress, and general bad feels from all the friend drama, but I'll take that over losing my mind any day.

Yeah, normality. NOOC. They don't seem to go hand in hand, but they do now, apparently. Like today I ran a tabletop RPG for my friends. I could never do that shit during the whole... ordeal.

Finally, SUCK IT CORE SOLSTICE. It's adorable that you thought I was back in the Labyrinth, but it looks like you're wrong! No maze here, just a highway to mediocrity. Next time you want to convince someone of their insanity, do it in such a way that actually proves anything before going out on a limb and making awful guesses at what might be happening.

He doesn't exist

Blahblahblah, I haven't been on in a while. Shit happened and I'll tell you about the good stuff when I have a chance to calm down from what I discovered today.

Dr. Traner doesn't exist.

I realized that I had an appointment with him soon, but the only person who would have been able to take me then would be my sister, so she needed the address. It suddenly clicked in my head that I didn't know it myself and went to look it up.

I searched his name.

I searched the hospital.

I searched everything I could think of.

Nothing.

Confused, I decided to call them, but quickly realized I didn't know their number. I asked my mom and she gave it to me, but when I called I got the automated message of "the number you are trying to call is not operational".

I dropped the phone. I ran to my room. I dove in bed. I screamed and cried.

I have been going to a hospital that doesn't seem to exist, to visit a doctor who was supposed to be a pretty well-known psych. Yet, I can't find a fucking trace of him.

I'm still trying to calm down, but I can't figure out how.

If anyone can help me track him down and prove he's real, please do. I'm too scared to talk to my parents about it...

...Ohgod... They had been taking me... They knew about him, but if he doesn't exist and the hospital isn't listed anywhere... then...

Who was Dr. Traner, and how did my parents find out about him...

I'm gonna go to bed now and try to sleep... I feel as though my insides are about to explode...

Merry Fuckin' Christmas, bitches

It's that time of the year again, and you know what that means, right?

YUP! TIME FOR MOVIES THAT MAKE YOU CRY!

The family and I went to see Les Miserables. I held it together for most of the movie until "A Little Fall of Rain" reached its climax. It broke me, man. I didn't cry much, but there were tears. It was a gorgeous film, and I highly recommend seeing it as long as you also bring some tissues with you.

In other news, my present highlights for this year!

Top 5 format because fuck you.

5: $25 iTunes gift card. It was promptly spent on the one Muse album I didn't have and my first ever Pendulum album.

4: Clothes! New pair of nice pants, a sweet pong shirt, and a stripey sweater. They all go really nicely together.

3: Sailor Moon Shirt! SAILOR MOON! It's fucking awesome. Thanks sis.

2: Set of 48 Prismacolors. I saw it and my jaw kinda hit the floor. I've always wanted a larger set of prismacolors and... well... NOW I HAVE ONE!

1: *drumroll*

THE FULL ADOBE SUITE.

Best. Present. Ever.

Photoshop, Flash, Fireworks, EVERYTHING.

This. This right here is the best thing that has happened to me in a long while... Okay, well there's something else that's better, but I ain't telling you that. Tis personal.

But yeah, I am going to do my best to learn the programs to their fullest and then use the shit outta them.

Onto other topics now.

Thursday, I will be heading out to go to my second ever convention. It's gonna be so fucking awesome. Just hope I can get someone to cash my check for me while I'm gone... Gonna need spending money <.<

What else... what else...

Oh, I know.

Dear Core Solstice,

I don't really know much about your group. All I really know is that you've got at least two members and know of some people I don't know about, and when I read into their existence, I was a bit put off. I would be quite happy if you would all kindly fuck off and leave me alone.

I don't want to be dragged into a war I used to be in, or, rather, thought I was in. I "got out" somehow and don't intend to go back in. You guys can fight valiantly for all eternity for all I care. I just want to be left alone by all those shenanigans.

And I swear by Tesla himself, you better stay out of Murphy. If you ever come here, I will hunt you down and beat some sense into you fucks. Real or not, I don't need your crazy bullshit polluting my town. I have enough to worry about with various drama, my job, and my own fucked up head.

Love,
Matthew

P.S. I'm serious. Don't come here.

And that's really all I can think to say.

To quote Snow:

Pay attention to detail, and please don't take anything to heart.

Toodaloo~

Bluh bluh

Alright, so the whole record my thoughts thing isn't going very well. Can't get my hands on a camera for a number of reasons, among them money and personal motivation. Sorry Dr. Traner, but I can't really bring myself to do it. I'll be happy to post stuff here, but the thought of recording myself and posting the video for the world to see is just... a bit disturbing to me. That and it plays into various facets of the thing that actually made me need you in the first place. (i.e. vlogging leads to haunting)

So what has been going on over here in NOOCtown?

Not a whole lot, to be perfectly honest.

Been getting gradually more and more fed up with various things, like people and their nonsensical demands that they aren't even really aware they are making.

Stress building over something with a time limit (read as "I need a certain amount of money to buy myself the birthday present I want, but I don't know if I can get it before the thing goes away forever").

I've been getting a lot of headaches lately. I think it's the stress from people's demands and the money thing just getting to me. That and my lack of sleep. But then again, if it wasn't for my mild insomnia, then I don't think I'd ever actually get around to updating this damn blog. So I guess thanks brain for making it impossible for me to sleep when I really want to. I mean, the headaches aren't bad really. I can just pop a couple ibuprofen and they go away. It's basically become a daily ritual. Some time from around 5 to 6 PM I can feel it build, and then by 8 or 9 I pop a couple pills to make it go away. Sometimes It's later than that though, like 12 to 1.

You know, I don't really know why I bother updating this thing anymore. Seriously, no one is around... and if some of the old blogs I followed are to be believed, most of my friends are dead in one way or another. I could just as easily just write this kind of stuff down in a journal that I bring to my sessions.

I dunno, maybe its therapeutic or something just putting words out there in a way I'm comfortable and familiar with. Nothing against you Dr. Traner. I'm just a creature of the internet, and this is what we do; ramble on about things that no one cares about in places no one will ever see.

...

I'm gonna try to sleep again. That seems like a good idea.

I'll probably just disappear again for a week or so.

We'll see...

-Matthew

Explanation dump

All 0 of you are probably asking what the fuck happened between Friday and today.

Let me shed some light for all of your non-existent curious minds.

#1: NOOC rage on a whole new level

As some are aware, I have a few... anger issues. The rage wells up from time to time when the world just keeps spitting in my face and there's nothing I can do about it. My frustration comes out in a burst of anger that tends to be containable, but still damaging to both my psyche and to those around me. On the flip side of this, it can also lead to some more interesting moments in my life, e.g. points where I rage and then the object of my rage turns out to not be a problem at all, or the more famous (and since proven to be a hallucination) cussing out of a Revenant (those guys who also proved to be hallucination in a different sense).

You might imagine, then, that when I catch wind of my best friend's ex using her in a doped up state to buy him shit, I get a little bit fussy.

And by fussy, I mean filled with anger of everyone looking forward to Duke Nukem Forever as they discover that the game is just a turd shipped to them in a rectangle of plastic. (alternatively read as "the fury of the gods themselves", if that's more your cup of tea.)

I learned of this through a trusted friend who invited me to beat the shit out of the ex. I agreed that this would be a rather fun outing to have with this friend, and was saddened to learn that the only day he would be able to come get me for this would be Sunday.

Guess who had an appointment then?

Anyway, I instead calmed myself down (after throwing a few things around my room (read RIP shitty watch)) and got ready for the evening's outings, which brings me to...

#2: Magic the Gathering, a cautionary tale

In my previous post, I said that I was going to "...celebrate the world's best card game..." And I did.

Me and some friends went to the Road to Ravnica pre-release event at a local comic shop. It was awesome.

I chose the guild Izzet which uses blue and red mana to progress science ferociously. They are all about pushing science to and past its limits.

And then I lost at least 43 of my 0 readers.

Look, if you're actually interested in MTG, just say so in a comment and we'll nerd out.

Everyone else: MTG is a great game, but if you're not careful it eats all your money.

But of course, I know why none of you are here.

The appointment.

Here goes nothing...

#3 Of patients, patience, and problems

I arrived at my therapist's office at about 3. I was running a bit late, but that's what happens when your ride has to get ready before you go. The appointment was scheduled to start at 2:50, and I had to call in to say I would be late.

Regardless, I got there, and was immediately ushered into Dr. Traner's office. I always feel at ease in there. While normal doctors have the whole hyper clean rooms with the occasional poster framed on the wall, depicting some interest of their's, Dr. Traner has a nice blue carpet, wood panel walls, and books everywhere. And a lot of it isn't even medical books. He has about one shelf dedicated to medical books, and the rest (which pretty much covers most of the walls) are all novels, mostly fiction. Just about any kind of book you can think of, he has, as far as novels go at least. Sci-fi, fantasy, mystery, horror, romance: he's got it all. Normally, I'd sit in his office for half an hour as I wait for him to finish doing something, just reading one of his many books. Sunday was different however. I wasn't there at his call, he was there at mine.

I sat down on a wonderfully comfortable recliner and look over at his desk to find him staring quite intently at me. It was obvious he was assessing my general mood and health, and normally it doesn't bother me. This time it did.

Before I could collect my thoughts and begin to explain what was on my mind, he spoke up.

"What's bothering you, Matthew?"

I wanted to say that slenderman was, but that wouldn't go down well with him.

Instead, I got to what I called him for. "I wanted to talk about possible causes for... you know."

"Your episode?" He started calling it that in my third session. I never liked the term, but I didn't know what else to call it.

"Yeah. I just find it hard to believe it came from nowhere. And if there is some hidden cause, then we need to find it so I can't have another episode." Side note: the exact words said are hazy to me, but I'll get the general gist down, probably a little bit more eloquently than I did during the actual session.

At this point, he pulled out my file, which was a decently thick folder no doubt filled with observations and possibly transcripts from other sessions. "Matthew, I've been looking over everything you've told me, and I think we can both agree this stemmed from your unhealthy obsession with the 'slenderman''. As long as you haven't revitalized that obsession, I'm sure you'll be just fine."

"But what if it's not the only cause? Here let me show you something." I got up and walked to his desk and pulled up the internet. Before he could ask what I was doing, I had loaded up my blog and was scrolling through the entries. I found the February 7th entries and pointed at them, telling him to read. He did and asked me what he was looking for.

"Read again." He did. He didn't see it.

I pointed on the screen.

Finally he saw it.

"Who's Emily?"

And this is the part where I explain the appearance of that mysterious name to all none of you.

Emily is my little sister.

Was.

When I was three, my family lived in a house with a pool. We loved that pool, especially on warm summer days. One day, I was playing in it while my mother relaxed and my grandmother was over doing... something, I dunno what.

Emily decided she wanted to play with me in the pool.

She didn't have any thing to keep her afloat.

By the time the ambulance arrived, it was pretty much too late; extremely weak pulse, lungs filled with water, blue skin.

My family recovered, but it took years to fully heal. In fact, it was only until late last year that I think my Dad fully recovered, when he expressed that he wanted to write a book about it, about how he coped and healed and all that jazz.

I explained all this and Dr. Traner went into a hyper thoughtful mode that he occasionally gets into. I sat back down, feeling tears push against my eyes, but I fought them back just so I could be coherent when Dr. Traner processed the info.

Eventually, he said "It is possible that you may still be traumatized by what you saw, and the fear caused by that event came back up and attached itself to this 'slenderman'."

I wanted to tell him that I was starting to feel the paranoia again, but he was back in the concentration mode.

After a while, he looked back at me and asked "When did this occur to you?"

"While I was playing a game, I dunno. I just think of random stuff every once and a while." It was truth, but not the whole truth. I failed to mention that I only thought of it because I was getting obsessed with tales of tall, dark 'men' again.

He then suggested something rather interesting.

He told me to start recording my random thoughts, which I could then send to him.

It took me a second to process, but I agreed. If I can get these random thoughts to him in an easier manner, then shouldn't I? He's clearly one of the only people I can trust with my thoughts. I certainly can't trust myself, and he's a trained professional.

The session ended about half an hour later, after working out some of the logistics of actually making this work.

Which brings us to modern day once more, seeing as nothing interesting happened between then and now.

So you may be asking what this means.

What this means is I am going to start a vlog for the benefit of my therapist. I know he reads this blog still, and I'm sorry Dr. Traner for not telling you about getting back into the slenderverse, but can't I still indulge in a few good stories?

Yeah, he won't buy that...

Anyway, yes he reads the blog, but the blog isn't my pure thoughts all the time. If I just started recording random thoughts when I have them, and possibly a few interesting things to show Dr. Traner things that may help him help me, then I could get over this paranoia and get over this once and for all.

When I get a camera, I will post the first few videos here, using my old NOOC channel as the archive. Gotta get some use out of it, and I'm not too keen on letting the general public see my most private thoughts.

Dr. Traner, I'm sorry I didn't mention that I would also tell the blogosphere about the videos. It really only occurred to me to do so when I got home, and it might help.

Well, I really have nothing left to say...

So we're done here.

-Matthew

(PS don't expect the videos for a while. I have to wait on another paycheck, and I don't work many hours. Although my birthday is coming up... which is something else I wanna mention: MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP. AWWWW YEEEE. October 8th. Tell your friends. It's gonna be awesome.)

Furious right now

Day has been full of fuck. I'll talk about it when i get back tomorrow.

Gotta go celebrate the world's best card game first.