Lord of the Flies

its a fantastic book and you really should read you lazy couch potato.

i remember the first time i read it, it was 9th grade and the whole novel fascinated me. boys killing boys, it was truly inspirational stuff.

the thing that i remember the most was the pig's head on a stick. one of the characters, the sensible one Simon, named it Beelzebub.

Simon would sit in front of it for long periods of time and hallucinate, except he KNEW he was hallucinating.it was some crazy shit.

the boys end up killing him and the other voice of reason, piggy, when they lose their humanity.

the reason i brought this up is simple.

and im going to say this simply.

i am going to start gauging my sanity better.

i dont want to end up like those boys, killing each other just because they are scared and are trying to act like savages to survive. no. i cant be them. i must be bigger. stronger. more sane.

having killed... 4 people now... two of them being... my parents.......

i feel like i may be losing myself.

so here it goes.

remembering who i am:

moved to texas. was very scared. i didnt like the weather or our apartment. im sitting in bed, reading a book. i dont remember which... but its dark....

im sitting at my desk, writing the same line over and over "i will do all of my homework" because well, i didnt do all of my homework.

christmas 2009. got a laptop. was very happy. ecstatic. i stay holed up in my room for a long time with no outside contact, playing games on it.

summer 2010, i get my second girlfriend. nice girl, but the relationship is very... light really. yeah we liked each other, but we didnt really do much together. it was more a thing of "im lonely, youre lonely, lets get together" and it worked for what it was. she introduced me to deviant art and a few groups. i enjoy it and start drawing a lot more than i used to. we break up before school starts, but she has me hooked on dA and RP groups (super fun things for people who dont have to run like i do).

...thats a good start...

but i feel like.. i should do more...

...i will later...

for now, i must sleep, despite the fact that i just saw tall dark and slender staring at me from across the street.

yeah, what do you WANT? i think i might try talking to him. im not afraid of him anymore.

but if i dont say anything for a long time, its safe to assume i died and in that case.

The Last Will and Testament of Matthew (no im still not putting my full name on here)

Should i pass into the next life, i wish for my body to be buried as it is found. autopsies can be taken, but i wish that a copy of the results be buried with me. also, all personal affects on my person must be buried with me. whatever i am wearing must go down with me.

anyway, nuff with the morbid shit.

a few shout outs before i go to sleep:

Ava- thank god you are alive.... screw what i said earlier, if you are ever in the texas region, hit me up. ill see if we can arrange a meeting.

Tony- same goes for you. keep running bro.

Yggy- thank you for the concern. it really means a lot to me. more than you can imagine.

Liam- dude, go kick ass.

Jeff and Cheska- keep your love strong. let it keep you strong. dont you ever let it go.

Frap- what is going on dude? something wrong?

Robert- cant wait to see that compilation of people

Cathy- my dear woman, you must stay strong. even when something batshit insane stands in your way. i cant help you find your daughter, but i will try to find out information and help you decrypt any info you get.

Cynthia- oh my dear girl. you think i am becoming one of you. but there is one distinct difference between me and you proxies. i know how to love and be loved. whatever sad excuse for love you have is pathetic. your daddy may be happy at how well i kill people, but i am happy that i can at least do the act and still have a bunch of people who accept me for who i am.

Oh last thing: if you didnt catch my comment on my last post, i killed Bruder. his head is on a stick in what used to be my front yard.

details might come later if they are requested.

until next time

Stay Sane, Stay Alive

-Matthew
Someone of Consequence
(and now for that title that i have been trying to come up with forever)
The Id's Ego

(if you dont know what the hell that means to me, just ask)